This article is adapted from: The Cry in My Heart
Although medical texts are said to be life-saving books, they are often lifeless, leaving readers with a sense of blandness and distaste. When faced with vibrant life, medical practitioners and literary figures are entirely different; the former must strip away all poetic elements, using a calm and simple style to record and narrate in a rigid manner, without mixing in any color or displaying any talent. However, the Ben Cao Gang Mu (Compendium of Materia Medica) can overturn this reading experience.
Just like Jin Ping Mei (The Plum in the Golden Vase), reading the Ben Cao Gang Mu requires looking at the original text. Regardless of education level, almost every Chinese person knows about the Ben Cao Gang Mu, yet even among TCM masters, few have read the complete original text. Those who have, with normal reading comprehension, can easily conclude: the Ben Cao Gang Mu is a collection of jokes. This book cites over 800 references, covering a wide range of topics from historical texts, phonetics, medicine, divination, astrology, and music. It includes everything relevant, from ancient classics to legends, leaving no stone unturned. The humor within is truly endless.
“I had no intention of telling jokes, yet jokes come unbidden.” (Qing Dynasty, Li Yu, Xian Qing Ou Ji, Lyrics and Music, Section on Humor) Reading the Ben Cao Gang Mu evokes this feeling. Because of its absurdity, it is laughable. When absurdity reaches its peak, one no longer perceives the absurdity but only the humor.
Li Shizhen, however, did not find it laughable; he spoke of medicine with utmost seriousness, making him a true humorist.
Even something as filthy as pig feces, Li Shizhen could reference classical texts to make it sound humorous. Pig feces has a delightful name, “Zhu Ling” (Pig Zero), because “its form falls in lumps.” Similarly, the ancients called rat droppings “Wu Ling Zhi” (Five Spirits Resin), bat droppings “Ye Ming Sha” (Night Bright Sand), and human urine “Bai Qiu Shuang” (White Autumn Frost); this humor is quite poetic.
Which is more “toxic,” pig feces or pork? The Ben Cao Gang Mu states that pork is “bitter, slightly cold, and has a small toxin,” while pig feces is “cold and non-toxic.” How funny! Is it better to eat pig feces than pork?
Pig feces is not only non-toxic but can also treat many ailments. When a child cries upon seeing strangers, TCM considers this a condition called “Ke Wu.” No worries, just bathe the child in water infused with pig feces: “For children with Ke Wu, if they cry with a pale face. Use two sheng of pig feces, extract the juice with water, and bathe them warm.” It can also treat night crying in children: “For children who cry at night. Burn pig feces to ash, mix with juice for bathing, and give a little to drink.” It treats swelling in children: “Five sheng of pig feces, heated in a bag, applied to the swelling.”
It can also treat gynecological issues: “For women with excessive bleeding. Burn ash from old sow feces, take three qian with wine.” Male pig feces seems ineffective. It can also be used for acute abdominal pain: “For intestinal sand pain. Use feces from a mother pig after giving birth, dry it, grind it into powder, and mix with white soup to take.” However, such feces are quite rare and need to be collected with care, making it a case of “only regretting the lack when needed.” For baldness: “For white baldness. Use ash from pig feces in the twelfth lunar month.” Note, only feces from the twelfth lunar month are effective. For parasites: “For sparrow droppings with worms. Use ash from mother pig feces, mix with fat from the twelfth lunar month and apply, and the worms will come out.”
The most potent is mother pig feces, as it “resolves all toxins. Mother pig feces, mix with water to take.” Li Shizhen humorously suggests eating mother pig feces to treat ailments with a serious attitude. What toxins can it resolve? There are sore toxins: “For ten-year-old sores. Use mother pig feces burned to ash and apply.” Miasma toxins: “For miasma from fog and dew, causing irritability and headache. Use two sheng of fresh pig feces, one sheng of wine, extract the juice warm and take to induce sweating.” Here, fresh pig feces clearly refers to mother pig feces, as Li Shizhen did not mention that male pig feces can also detoxify. Pork toxins: “For pork poisoning. Use pig feces burned to ash, take with water in a small spoon.” Detoxifying pork with pig feces is a grand joke. Scarlet fever: “For red fire scarlet fever. Use mother pig feces, extract the juice, and take and apply.”
Not only pig feces, but also grass from pigsties can treat ailments: “For children who cry at night, (place pigsty grass) tightly under the mat, without letting the mother know.” This is almost like a little comedic skit.
Li Shizhen’s humor is not limited to filth (such as human feces, urine, corpses, menstrual blood, and almost all animal excrement); he can also find humor in pure and clean things. Today’s crosstalk performers often mock disabilities and shortcomings, but compared to old Li, there is a world of difference.
Regarding chicken eggs (i.e., chicken offspring), the Ben Cao Gang Mu has many humorous anecdotes. Although chicken eggs are good, “they should not be eaten in excess, as they cause sounds in the abdomen and stir wind. Eating with scallions or garlic causes shortness of breath; with leeks causes wind pain; with turtle meat harms people; with otter meat causes a form of pus blood disease; with rabbit meat causes diarrhea.” Pregnant women should be especially cautious: “Pregnant women eating chicken eggs and carp together causes the child to develop sores; eating with glutinous rice causes the child to develop worms.” “Children suffering from smallpox should avoid chicken eggs and the smell of fried eggs, as it causes the development of membranes.” Don’t be so scary, old Li is just telling jokes; if you take it seriously, you’ll be fooled.
Eating chicken eggs can also develop special abilities, but when and in which direction to eat is very important: “On New Year’s Day, swallowing a black chicken egg can develop form.” “On the night of the last day of the eighth month, facing north, swallowing a black chicken egg can make one invisible.” Those wanting to become “invisible people” can give it a try.
Chicken eggs can be used as antipyretic and sedative medicine: “For severe fever and agitation. Swallow one raw chicken egg, effective.” “For body heat, regardless of adult or child. Use three chicken eggs, one heaping spoon of white honey, mix and take, immediate recovery.” These two prescriptions are very simple and easy to obtain; if they are effective, many current anti-inflammatory and antipyretic medicines would be in trouble. Old Li is joking.
For severe arthritis, “with bone-deep acid pain, the pain is like a tiger biting,” TCM calls this “White Tiger Wind Disease,” which is easy to treat: “For White Tiger Wind Disease, take a chicken egg and rub it on the painful area, chant a wish, and throw it on a dung heap three times to recover.” The White Tiger is the dung god, who loves to eat chicken eggs.
Asthma is also difficult to treat today; the famous singer Teresa Teng died from this disease. The Ben Cao Gang Mu has a wonderful remedy: “For chronic asthma, slightly crack a chicken egg, soak it in a urine jar for three to four days, then cook and eat, it can eliminate wind phlegm.” I can’t help but think of Miss Teng asking from the grave: would you like to eat urine-soaked chicken eggs?
Urine-soaked chicken eggs can also be used as a vaccine: “Use one chicken egg, soak it in children’s urine for seven days, then boil and eat, and you will never get smallpox.” “Use three to five first-laid chicken eggs, soak them in the toilet for five to seven days, take them out, boil them, and eat one every few days, and you will never get smallpox.” Using earthworms instead of urine is more complicated: “To prevent smallpox: use one chicken egg, put a live earthworm inside, steam it with rice until cooked, remove the earthworm, and feed it to the child every year on the day of the spring equinox, and they will never get smallpox.” With such wonderful methods, spending money on vaccines seems quite wasteful.
Stories of urgent gynecological conditions: “If a child dies in the womb, use one egg from three families, a pinch of salt from three families, and one sheng of water from three families, boil together, and have the woman drink facing east.” Chicken eggs, salt, and even water must be separately obtained from three families and taken facing east. Old Li seriously details these steps, making one unable to help but smile. Postpartum hemorrhage was a significant cause of maternal mortality in ancient times, and old Li’s dark humor: “For excessive bleeding after childbirth. Use three black chicken eggs, half a liter of vinegar, two liters of wine, mix and boil to take one liter, divide into four doses.”
Back abscesses were also highly fatal in ancient times without antibiotics, and Li Shizhen uses chicken eggs to address this heavy topic: “For abscesses on the back that have developed for ten days or more, swollen and red with heat, painful day and night, and ineffective with all medicines. Use one egg from a hen, mix with fresh dog feces (why not use mother pig feces?), stir well, simmer until the right consistency, make into a cake, and apply to the swelling, wrapping it in cloth, checking frequently, and changing when it feels hot, do not let it move or breathe, and after one night, it will be fine. If it is severe, apply for three days, changing daily until healed. This method is filthy and should not be used on the nobility (old Li still has a sense of distinction between the rich and the poor). All other methods cannot compare, but can only be chosen as alternatives.”
Body odor is an embarrassing condition, and old Li’s remedy is even more amusing: “For armpit odor. Use two chicken eggs, boil, remove the shell, and hot compress, then discard at a three-way intersection without looking back. Do this three times for effect.” This prescription is vividly picturesque, embodying the essence of the Ben Cao Gang Mu as a collection of jokes.
And it’s not just the prescriptions; Li Shizhen’s humor also shines through in his discussions of pathology and physiology, as seen in the pregnancy taboos. The Ben Cao Gang Mu lists over 80 pregnancy taboos, and people do not understand Li Shizhen’s humor, believing them to be true. Even today, some still believe, and Li Shizhen’s “deception” has lasted for five hundred years, making him a master of humor. Li Shizhen states that rabbit meat “should not be eaten during pregnancy, as it causes the child to have a cleft lip”; dog meat “if eaten by pregnant women, causes the child to be silent”; donkey meat “if eaten by pregnant women, causes difficult labor” (the donkey’s gestation period is about 360 days, longer than the human gestation period of 280 days, so the so-called difficult labor refers to prolonged labor, similarly, horse meat cannot be eaten); crabs “if eaten by pregnant women, cause the child to be born sideways”; ginger “if eaten by pregnant women, causes the child to have fingers that are too long”; turtles “cause the child to have a short neck and harm the fetus”; sparrows “if eaten by pregnant women, cause the child to be lustful and shameless” (did Ximen Qing’s mother eat sparrow meat while pregnant with him?); loaches and eels cause “miscarriage.” These theories are quite humorous, clearly meant as jokes; if one is not intellectually challenged and lacks a sense of humor, who would believe them? But there are indeed people who are intellectually challenged and lack a sense of humor, and Li Shizhen must have sighed in understanding.
The Ben Cao Gang Mu is filled with humor; the above is merely a drop in the bucket. A collection of jokes, taken seriously as a medical text for healing, is what is known as “black humor.” When jokes reach their peak, one can no longer laugh.
